Introducing the “three-way”: enjoying the fantasy

One of the most common fantasies is that of three-way sex, also called the “menage-a-trois”. Different couples have different experiences adding a third to their sex life. What works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another. Here are a number of guidelines to help you and your partner determine what works best for your situation in creating a successful and positive experience.

Have a stable relationship first

Before introducing a third into your couple sex, be sure your primary relationship is stable. Although the experience of three-way sex can be healing for some, it can also magnify conflict and unresolved issues. Introducing a third person into your relationship dynamics requires a great deal of honest discussion, so be sure the communication lines are open.

Beginning the discussion is tricky.

Adding a third to your sex life begins with a great deal of discussion, yet, beginning the initial conversation can be tricky. It’s natural for a partner to feel intimidated by the suggestion of a major change in the status quo. Try to initiate this discussion in the context of “I’m sharing this fantasy because I feel comfortable with you.” Never bring this up in terms of “Something’s missing in our relationship.”

Share your fantasies

Discussing the possibility of a three-way can be arousing. Let the idea of three-way sex be a turn-on during two-way encounters. Share your fantasies and inspire your partner to do the same. Remember that communicating fantasies is a form of intimacy and it’s natural to feel vulnerable. Encourage your partner to let down inhibitions and reveal secret desires by asking questions and conveying how much you’re enjoying your partner’s erotic imagination.

Adding a fantasy man

Another option is to incorporate the use of toys as stand-ins for a third person. Either partner can use a dildo to mimic actions a fantasy man might take. For example, if she’d like double penetration, he could penetrate her anally and use a dildo vaginally. If your fantasy involves hard to reach details, a dildo with a suction cup can come in handy. Armless, varnished wood chairs typically hold a suction cup and can be maneuvered into a variety of positions, such as laying the chair back on the floor and suctioning dildo to the seat to mimic doggie style, making your fantasy man come alive.

Adding a fantasy woman

If adding a woman tricks your trigger, some couples find the use of a masturbation sleeve, sex donut, or sex doll does the trick. These sleeves and donuts come in a variety of styles including nubbed, vibrating, and cyber-skin, and some are quite realistic. Many types of sex dolls are also available with choices in ethnicity, body type, or even your favorite porn star. These toys can add a new dimension to sex play without the politics of adding a third person.

If you are confident in your decision

Communicate, communicate, communicate

Couples with successful three-way experiences tend to have excellent communication skills. After all, introducing a third gives them a lot of practice. What do couples communicate about?

– Boundaries. Who will join us? Only a stranger? Only a friend?

– What gender? Whatever your preference, discuss who you’re most comfortable with.

– Where? Agree on a relaxed location, such as only at our house or only at a sex club.

– Sexual limits? Your sexual limits will probably be different from a joiner than they are with your mate. Be sure to discuss desires, uncertainties, and any off-limit activities.

– Safer sex. No matter what your age, sexual orientation, or economic status, everyone is vulnerable to STI (sexually transmitted infection). Discuss what strategies all three of you will use to keep safe.

Don’t pressure or push

Don’t pressure your partner to desire a three-way as much as you do, and never push your partner into participating. This will only cause problems. Instead, try to remain open to your partner’s responses. Introducing a three-way requires excellent communication skills, so practice these skills by hearing out your partner’s concerns. Give your partner all the time s/he needs to consider this idea.

Your joiner’s boundaries

Your joiner has boundaries of his or her own that may or may not match your relationship boundaries. Have a discussion with your new sex partner as a couple to make sure everyone is comfortable and clear. Confirm that everyone agrees on boundaries before sexual activity begins.

Agreements increase your chances

Here are examples of boundaries people agree on before group (or partner) sex that increase your chances of a positive experience. Agree to…

1. Ask first. No one has to do anything they don’t want to do. If someone is interested in an activity that hasn’t been explicitly discussed ahead of time, agree to ask first.

2. “No” means “no”. Agree that any “no” response will be respected even if someone is changing his or her mind about a previous agreement.

3. “Yes” means “yes”. “I don’t know” and “maybe” responses mean “No, right now.” Agree to consider these alternate responses as “no” answers.

4. Safe-word(s). A safe-word is a word that’s stated during sex go signaling that a participant wants to stop a particular activity. It’s best to choose a word that won’t be mistaken for play, such as a favorite city. Make sure all participants know what safe-word(s) will be used ahead of time.

The fantasy stage

Couples that open their relationship to a three-way typically go through a fantasy stage. This stage can last many months or years depending on the couple. And, some couples stay in the fantasy stage permanently. The important thing to remember is to enjoy this stage. It can be fun, creative, and incredibly intimate.

Keep an open mind

Whether or not your three-way fantasy will be realized remains to be seen. With an open mind, you can discover many creative ways to full-fill desires within the comfort level of both partners. In fact, with enthusiasm, these problem-solving skills can lead to creative eroticism never dreamed of.

Anyways, introducing three-way sex into your long-term relationship should always be done with respect and full consent from all involved. If your partner, male or female, is pressuring, making ultimatums or threats, or is contacting potential sex partners against your wishes, these are red flags that your relationship could be abusive. Being forced or coerced into three-way sex is rape and is illegal. Never pressure anyone into sexual activity, and always bring your highest level of love and communication into these discussions.


This article is written by licensed urologist Dr. Lorie G Fleck who is a highly qualified specialist. If you have any questions you can ask us through the feedback form and Dr. Lorie G Fleck will answer you within a working day. We care about every patient.

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